Treasures of Darkness

Do you ever feel like what you look like on the outside doesn’t at all reflect who you are inside?

I’m not just talking about the weight, and the fact that there is definately a thin person inside of me (a friend of mine jokes that she keeps hers sedated with chocolate, LOL)

But I mean, I have this outward, Spinster Librarian thing going on. I wonder how much of that is still me trying to break free of my past. I spent the last 8 years of my life as an extremely conservative fundamentalist Holy-Roller. And even though that chapter in my life is past, there are some vestiges of it that seem to linger.

It makes me want to do something drastic, Like a neon blue mohawk. I think I spent so many years trying to look a certain part, that I don’t know how to let my inside dictate my outside. Or maybe I don’t even know who I really am.

My friend Lois recently made a comment in response to my recent musings about the Bible. She said “Also, consider that you may have had warnings during your UPC days. I know I did and either didn’t recognize them or ignored/rationalized them.”

I decided that it would be interesting to look back on my UPC days to determine if there really were any warnings.

The most obvious would be my little “Freak out” that I had a few months after I started attending. I very much questioned the doctrine. How much of it was realizing there was a problem, and how much of it was wanting it to be wrong? I went through the usual, “what about Grandma”? difficulties.

My sister had started attending a church at the same time, a non-denominational, of the very non-pentecostal kind. I struggled with that, because I really believed that the manifestations that I witnessed were real.

I remember reading, and really searching out the different camps; trinitarian & oneness, the 3-steps and the sinner’s prayer. I stopped attending the UPC for a few months, and tried an AOG church a few times.

It really came down to two conflicting desires. On the one hand I wanted to be a Christian, but thought I might prefer to be a socially acceptable one (non-UPC), but on the other hand, there was something that I felt/experienced in that little UPC church that I didn’t experience at the AOG church.

Looking back, I think it may have been my tendency towards extremes that got me into trouble. Just like I once read that you could either accept the Bible completely, or you must reject all of it; (a concept I adopted with ease), I think I believed that if what I felt in that UPC church was real/true, that therefore everything about the UPC was real/true.

And the more that things they told me proved to be accurate; Jesus is real (he is), He wants a relationship with you (he did), you can find forgiveness for your sins (I could, you can be filled with the spirit of God (I was); the more I was willing to believe them in everything.

Was it just my personality? Was it just a relative immaturity? In some ways finding out that nothing is ever simply black and white, but a great mix of complications is an inevitable part of growing up?

And the truth was, I truly wanted everything that I could get from God, unfortunately life had taught me that love must be earned, and always had numerous conditions.

Romans 10:2 (New International Version)

2For I can testify about them that they are zealous for God, but their zeal is not based on knowledge.

I was thinking about the Bible this morning.    The problem is that I just don’t know what to do with it.  It’s not like I think that it’s totally worthless and just want to completely throw it out.  And yet, I just can’t accept that it is the ultimate, infallible, authoritative WORD OF GOD, either.

 People always imply that God had his hand on the canonization and translation of the books that make up our modern Bible.  That He protected it from containing any errors.

It’s not like I believe that he’s not able to do those things.  But I do really question whether or not he would.  After all, God could have protected me from being deceived into believing the false gospel that was preached to me.  He could have supernaturally have spoken to me and said “Don’t believe it! They’re full of crap!!  Run Away, Run Away!!!”

Not to mention, another realization that I had this morning.   Back in the day, when I believed the Bible was the ultimate answer book / life manual / instrustruction guide, I had a tendency to turn to it in times of trouble.  And I muchprefered it to seeking God in prayer.  After all, the Bible would give it to me in black and white, concrete proof of what I should do.  And all prayer would give me was a feeling or an impression.

Looking back on it now, I really think that what I felt about the Bible bordered on idolatry.  I served it, and its written pages.  I worshipped its wisdom, and bowed before its rules.

So how exactly am I supposed to treat the Bible in reference to my relationship with God?  Well, I haven’t figured that out yet.

I remember when I was a little kid and I would occasionally get in a horrible fight with my “best friend” du jour.  I would get so mad that I wouldn’t talk to them for days, sometimes even weeks (which is FOREVER in little kid time!)  And every time I thought about them I would get mad all over again.  Sometimes they would try to make up before I was ready.  But I was much too stubborn for that, and very good at holding a grudge!

 But sometimes out of the blue, I would realize that not only was I not mad at them anymore, but in fact I couldn’t even remember what had caused the fight in the first place.

This actually happened to me recently.  Only it didn’t involve a friend, or a co-worker, or my husband. 

For the last 6 months, give or take, I have been very angry at God.  I seethed with anger at the very thought of him.  Anger becomes a part of you and grows overtime as it feeds itself.

 So last week, I’m driving home from work, minding my own business, not thinking about God in the slightest.  I’m passing Bank of America, and just about to make a left turn at the Post office, when I the realization that I am angry at God floats to the surface of my consciousness.  Followed, a few seconds later by, “wait. why?”  And then nothing.

 As I continued to drive, I tried to prod myself.  “You’re really angry with God…..He makes you so mad you could scream…..He’s a horrible horrible person…..He does awful things and makes you suffer…..”  But all to no avail.  I could have been saying “The Pope eats purple pepperoni pizza in Paris” for all the emotional response it caused.

It was just gone.  Whatever the cause of the anger, whatever crime that I found Him guilty of, has been completely erased from my memory.

Well it’s been 6 months since I made my original list of the reasons why I avoid God.  At the time, I had every intention of taking the time to discuss indepth every item on my list.  I made it through #1 & #2. 

Well, I feel the need to skip forward to #14, because that is where I am.  I originally kept it simple.  I am confused.  Confused about God, faith, church, the Bible.  Everything.  But I think it goes beyond that, to the question I want answer more than anything.  What the hell does he want from me??

Is he trying to break me?  Turn me into a mindless obedient robot?  Torture me until I give in?

It’s been just about a year since I walked away from everything I knew about the spiritual life.  It has been the suckiest year of my life.  My husband has been continually unemployed, were financially a mess, I’ve developed life debilitating anxiety attacks, and I seem to have completely lost any assurance I ever may have had that there is any order to the chaos in the universe.

And yet, I perversely hold on to the belief that God exists.  Though, I still avoid him, afraid to get close until I can make some sense out of all of this.

Well, after I spent 30 minutes on Monday morning curled up in a ball on my bed, sobbing because I didn’t think I could I could survive another day of continual anxiety attacks, I decided that I might want to give some serious thought about seeking medical help.

 Not being the “go to the doctor” type, I had to first find a doctor.  Not really having the mental capacity to accomplish much thought, I looked up approved doctor’s on my insurance website.  I called the first on the list, who was not accepting new patients.  So I called the 2nd, and made an appointment.  (After bursting into tears when the nurse/receptionist asked me what the appointment was for).

 I don’t think I can put into words how difficult this was for me.  I have always prided myself on my self-reliance.  On being the strong one, the one that could take what life threw at me, and still keep going.  It’s certainly not like me to seek help. (I get irritated when we are in the store, and my husband goes to find a sales associate, because I will eventually find what we need on my own).

 It turned out to be a stroke of luck that the first Doctor was unavailable, because I ended up really liking the Doctor that I saw.  (Enough that I agreed to make another appointment for a checkup, as my last was like 10 years ago).

 It was especially nice to have multiple people assure me that I was not going crazy, and that everyone needs help sometimes.

 I also really liked that she (the Dr.) laid out all my options, gave me her opinion, but ultimately let me choose the course I was most comfortable with.

Last friday morning while sitting at my desk I suddenly experienced rapid heart palpitations which freaked me out, to put it mildly.  This experienced launched the longest panic attack I have ever had, and the only time that one has occurred for no apparent reason.

I actually had to call my husband and ask him to come and sit with me at work because I was so overwhelmed with fear.  He came and stayed an hour, at which point, I realized that I was not going to have a stroke, heart attack, or pass out and could handle being by myself. 

The worst part was that because there was no apparent cause, it did not fade as soon as the apparent source of danger was removed as is the case with many of my anxiety related phobias.  It was like my brain kept telling my body that it was in danger, and because I felt the rush of adrenaline and all the physiological responses to fear, my body was telling my brain that I was in danger.

 This is a horrible cycle to get caught in.  It is beyond logic and rationale, and I found it very difficult to break free.  In fact, it took most of the weekend.  Because, as soon as I started to feel a little better, I would think “What if I have another one?” which produced fear, which would then actually CAUSE the anxious feelings to return.

I finally had to learn to say to myself, “so what”.  So you feel twitchy and anxious and afraid.  The feelings will pass, and they aren’t going to kill you.  And so, was able to start breaking out of the cycle on Sunday.  It threatened to return this morning as I got ready for work (the place it all started!), but I have thus far made it through with just mild twitchy-ness.

Back in my Fundamentalist days I didn’t believe in the whole “imbalanced Brain Chemistry” thing.  But I am seriously having to change my opinion.  And in my case, I truly believe that its genetic, on my maternal side.  I have 5 members of my family that suffer from mild to severe anxiety.  (My Mom, Aunt, Sister, Brother & Nephew).  This includes my 10 year old nephew who recently tried to hang himself, but was found unconcious by his brothers.  He has been hospitalized, and they have diagnosed him with severe anxiety.

I came across this in a book that I was reading called “Finding Faith” by Brian McLaren, and I thought it was good.  Some people might have issues with his criteria as they don’t really touch on the concepts of theology or doctrinal truth.  Those issues not being of particular importance to me right now, I thought that this would make an interesting discussion, to contrast when I was in the UPC, versus where I am now.

Four Screening Tools to Apply to your search for Faith:

1.  Does the Belief make Sense?  Does it possess internal intellectual integrity and coherence?  Does it fit reality as I know it?  As a system of belief does it hold water?  Can I believe it, not just as comforting and pleasant or helpful, but more, as probable, as convincing, as believable?

UPC:  Most of the stuff I was taught in the UPC DIDN’t make sense, though they often twisted it until it appeared at first glance to be perfectly logical.  Most of us remember a time when it suddenly all began to unravel, eventually, you come to a place where you look back at the things you used to believe, and can’t understand why in the world you ever thought it made sense.

Now:  The only core belief that I can claim with any certainty at the present time, is that: God Is.  To me, that makes sense.  I believe our world is too complex to be adequately explained by science or evolution, I believe that there has to be some sort of intelligent design.  As an extension of that, it seems logical that the designer would have some interest in his creation.

2.  Is the belief workable and livable?  If everyone on earth held this belief, would the results be good?  Does the belief lead to health and life and hope, or would it lead to self-destruction and despair?

UPC: I think I can safely say that this gets a big fat No!  I tried as hard as I could, and no matter how hard I WANTED it too, it just didn’t work.  If everyone on the earth were UPC, the world would be one big holiness contest, with everyone judging everyone else by their adherence to unbiblical rules.  In addition women would be oppressed, and a few powerful leaders would run the world (Dictatorial theocracy!)  Everyone would be tormented constantly with fear of hell, and fear of not living up to the expectations.  I think Depresssion would run rampant.

Now:  Is the belief that there is a God livable and workable? Definately.  If everyone believed that there was a God, I think as a whole there would be less evil in the world, and people would care more about the plight of their fellow man.  I also think that belief in God is a comfort to people in times of suffering.

3.  Do I want to associate with the people who profess this belief?  Does the quality of their community life tend to authenticate or undermine their message?  Does their belief produce good fruit in their lives as individuals and as a community?  Here I don’t expect perfection, but I do expect honesty, forgiveness, love, unselfishness, acceptance and vitality.

UPC:  It’s not so much that I don’t want to associate with them, as I don’t as a whole, trust them.  As a community they tend to breed self-righteousness, judgementalism, and phariseeism.  Though they were the “holiest” people that I knew, they were also the most unaccepting, backbiting, exclusive, know-it-all, hypocritcal people that I knew.

Now:  I still struggle with wanting to associate with people of any flavor of Christianity.  The ones that I tend to spend most of my time with, are others like me.  I do like to spend time with those who admit their own ignorance and short-comings, are open and honest, and are sincere seekers.

4.  If I affiliated with this group, would I feel comfortable bringing an interested friend to visit?  I expect healthy faith to be contagious, so I expect that I will have friends who want to visit whatever faith community I am apart of - if it is indeed nurturing a healthy faith in me.  Would they, whereever they’re coming from, be as welcome as I am there?  Would I be ashamed to bring them there, knowing the experience there would be for them incomprehensible, unwelcoming, offensive or irrelevant?

UPC:  This was always something I struggled with when I was UPC.  Bringing people to church.  I wanted them to be saved, but I didn’t want them to think that I was some kind of freak.  I guess even then I knew that some things seemed crazy from the outside looking in.

Now:  This doesn’t really apply as I am not currently attending a church anywhere.  But it is definately be an important criteria when and if I ever decided to attend church again.

Thanks to DT for keeping me amused.

 To start off, go to Wikipedia’s homepage and hit the “Random Article” link in the left-hand tool bar. The article title that emerges is your band’s name.

From there, head over to this Random Quotations page and scroll down to the bottom of said page. Use the last four words on the last quote on the page to determine the name of your band’s debut album

And, last but not least, mosey on over to Flickr and click the “Explore” link, located near the bottom of the page. The 3rd picture that pops up will be your album’s Cover

 I like to introduce you to my Band “Oakwood Cemetary”, an Austin, TX Goth band whose debut album “Cease to be so”,   ( I can never get pictures to work right, so’ll you have to click here!  ) is in stores now!

go swimming in the deep end

find out where your faith begins

you’re waiting for an answer that’s acceptable

but the current sweeps you out to sea

and its keeps you guessing helplessly

you’re praying for a savior who’s exceptional

someone who’ll lift you from your knees

salve your wounds, hand you the keys

and offer you the kingdom of your dreams

but, nothings ever as it seems

you find yourself, further down stream

alone, save for the echo of your screams

ahhhh, honey, fairytales are prone to tease

“However many takes it takes” ~ Vandaveer