Treasures of Darkness

Lately I just feel bored with life.

I got a $25 reward certificate from amazon (via my Amazon Visa) and was excited about ordering new music. But then it got here, and I was suddenly so blah about the whole thing.

I spent my weeks looking forward to the weekend. Then when the weekend comes I realize there is nothing but a huge yawning gap of time in which I need to find amusement.

I am sure that this is just an after-effect of the visit from the fam 2 weeks ago. Nothing to look forward to now but week after week of work, and then housework, and then yard work….

Blah….

Do you ever feel like what you look like on the outside doesn’t at all reflect who you are inside?

I’m not just talking about the weight, and the fact that there is definately a thin person inside of me (a friend of mine jokes that she keeps hers sedated with chocolate, LOL)

But I mean, I have this outward, Spinster Librarian thing going on. I wonder how much of that is still me trying to break free of my past. I spent the last 8 years of my life as an extremely conservative fundamentalist Holy-Roller. And even though that chapter in my life is past, there are some vestiges of it that seem to linger.

It makes me want to do something drastic, Like a neon blue mohawk. I think I spent so many years trying to look a certain part, that I don’t know how to let my inside dictate my outside. Or maybe I don’t even know who I really am.

My friend Lois recently made a comment in response to my recent musings about the Bible. She said “Also, consider that you may have had warnings during your UPC days. I know I did and either didn’t recognize them or ignored/rationalized them.”

I decided that it would be interesting to look back on my UPC days to determine if there really were any warnings.

The most obvious would be my little “Freak out” that I had a few months after I started attending. I very much questioned the doctrine. How much of it was realizing there was a problem, and how much of it was wanting it to be wrong? I went through the usual, “what about Grandma”? difficulties.

My sister had started attending a church at the same time, a non-denominational, of the very non-pentecostal kind. I struggled with that, because I really believed that the manifestations that I witnessed were real.

I remember reading, and really searching out the different camps; trinitarian & oneness, the 3-steps and the sinner’s prayer. I stopped attending the UPC for a few months, and tried an AOG church a few times.

It really came down to two conflicting desires. On the one hand I wanted to be a Christian, but thought I might prefer to be a socially acceptable one (non-UPC), but on the other hand, there was something that I felt/experienced in that little UPC church that I didn’t experience at the AOG church.

Looking back, I think it may have been my tendency towards extremes that got me into trouble. Just like I once read that you could either accept the Bible completely, or you must reject all of it; (a concept I adopted with ease), I think I believed that if what I felt in that UPC church was real/true, that therefore everything about the UPC was real/true.

And the more that things they told me proved to be accurate; Jesus is real (he is), He wants a relationship with you (he did), you can find forgiveness for your sins (I could, you can be filled with the spirit of God (I was); the more I was willing to believe them in everything.

Was it just my personality? Was it just a relative immaturity? In some ways finding out that nothing is ever simply black and white, but a great mix of complications is an inevitable part of growing up?

And the truth was, I truly wanted everything that I could get from God, unfortunately life had taught me that love must be earned, and always had numerous conditions.

Romans 10:2 (New International Version)

2For I can testify about them that they are zealous for God, but their zeal is not based on knowledge.

I was thinking about the Bible this morning.    The problem is that I just don’t know what to do with it.  It’s not like I think that it’s totally worthless and just want to completely throw it out.  And yet, I just can’t accept that it is the ultimate, infallible, authoritative WORD OF GOD, either.

 People always imply that God had his hand on the canonization and translation of the books that make up our modern Bible.  That He protected it from containing any errors.

It’s not like I believe that he’s not able to do those things.  But I do really question whether or not he would.  After all, God could have protected me from being deceived into believing the false gospel that was preached to me.  He could have supernaturally have spoken to me and said “Don’t believe it! They’re full of crap!!  Run Away, Run Away!!!”

Not to mention, another realization that I had this morning.   Back in the day, when I believed the Bible was the ultimate answer book / life manual / instrustruction guide, I had a tendency to turn to it in times of trouble.  And I muchprefered it to seeking God in prayer.  After all, the Bible would give it to me in black and white, concrete proof of what I should do.  And all prayer would give me was a feeling or an impression.

Looking back on it now, I really think that what I felt about the Bible bordered on idolatry.  I served it, and its written pages.  I worshipped its wisdom, and bowed before its rules.

So how exactly am I supposed to treat the Bible in reference to my relationship with God?  Well, I haven’t figured that out yet.