Treasures of Darkness

I remember when I was a little kid and I would occasionally get in a horrible fight with my “best friend” du jour.  I would get so mad that I wouldn’t talk to them for days, sometimes even weeks (which is FOREVER in little kid time!)  And every time I thought about them I would get mad all over again.  Sometimes they would try to make up before I was ready.  But I was much too stubborn for that, and very good at holding a grudge!

 But sometimes out of the blue, I would realize that not only was I not mad at them anymore, but in fact I couldn’t even remember what had caused the fight in the first place.

This actually happened to me recently.  Only it didn’t involve a friend, or a co-worker, or my husband. 

For the last 6 months, give or take, I have been very angry at God.  I seethed with anger at the very thought of him.  Anger becomes a part of you and grows overtime as it feeds itself.

 So last week, I’m driving home from work, minding my own business, not thinking about God in the slightest.  I’m passing Bank of America, and just about to make a left turn at the Post office, when I the realization that I am angry at God floats to the surface of my consciousness.  Followed, a few seconds later by, “wait. why?”  And then nothing.

 As I continued to drive, I tried to prod myself.  “You’re really angry with God…..He makes you so mad you could scream…..He’s a horrible horrible person…..He does awful things and makes you suffer…..”  But all to no avail.  I could have been saying “The Pope eats purple pepperoni pizza in Paris” for all the emotional response it caused.

It was just gone.  Whatever the cause of the anger, whatever crime that I found Him guilty of, has been completely erased from my memory.

Well it’s been 6 months since I made my original list of the reasons why I avoid God.  At the time, I had every intention of taking the time to discuss indepth every item on my list.  I made it through #1 & #2. 

Well, I feel the need to skip forward to #14, because that is where I am.  I originally kept it simple.  I am confused.  Confused about God, faith, church, the Bible.  Everything.  But I think it goes beyond that, to the question I want answer more than anything.  What the hell does he want from me??

Is he trying to break me?  Turn me into a mindless obedient robot?  Torture me until I give in?

It’s been just about a year since I walked away from everything I knew about the spiritual life.  It has been the suckiest year of my life.  My husband has been continually unemployed, were financially a mess, I’ve developed life debilitating anxiety attacks, and I seem to have completely lost any assurance I ever may have had that there is any order to the chaos in the universe.

And yet, I perversely hold on to the belief that God exists.  Though, I still avoid him, afraid to get close until I can make some sense out of all of this.

Well, after I spent 30 minutes on Monday morning curled up in a ball on my bed, sobbing because I didn’t think I could I could survive another day of continual anxiety attacks, I decided that I might want to give some serious thought about seeking medical help.

 Not being the “go to the doctor” type, I had to first find a doctor.  Not really having the mental capacity to accomplish much thought, I looked up approved doctor’s on my insurance website.  I called the first on the list, who was not accepting new patients.  So I called the 2nd, and made an appointment.  (After bursting into tears when the nurse/receptionist asked me what the appointment was for).

 I don’t think I can put into words how difficult this was for me.  I have always prided myself on my self-reliance.  On being the strong one, the one that could take what life threw at me, and still keep going.  It’s certainly not like me to seek help. (I get irritated when we are in the store, and my husband goes to find a sales associate, because I will eventually find what we need on my own).

 It turned out to be a stroke of luck that the first Doctor was unavailable, because I ended up really liking the Doctor that I saw.  (Enough that I agreed to make another appointment for a checkup, as my last was like 10 years ago).

 It was especially nice to have multiple people assure me that I was not going crazy, and that everyone needs help sometimes.

 I also really liked that she (the Dr.) laid out all my options, gave me her opinion, but ultimately let me choose the course I was most comfortable with.

Last friday morning while sitting at my desk I suddenly experienced rapid heart palpitations which freaked me out, to put it mildly.  This experienced launched the longest panic attack I have ever had, and the only time that one has occurred for no apparent reason.

I actually had to call my husband and ask him to come and sit with me at work because I was so overwhelmed with fear.  He came and stayed an hour, at which point, I realized that I was not going to have a stroke, heart attack, or pass out and could handle being by myself. 

The worst part was that because there was no apparent cause, it did not fade as soon as the apparent source of danger was removed as is the case with many of my anxiety related phobias.  It was like my brain kept telling my body that it was in danger, and because I felt the rush of adrenaline and all the physiological responses to fear, my body was telling my brain that I was in danger.

 This is a horrible cycle to get caught in.  It is beyond logic and rationale, and I found it very difficult to break free.  In fact, it took most of the weekend.  Because, as soon as I started to feel a little better, I would think “What if I have another one?” which produced fear, which would then actually CAUSE the anxious feelings to return.

I finally had to learn to say to myself, “so what”.  So you feel twitchy and anxious and afraid.  The feelings will pass, and they aren’t going to kill you.  And so, was able to start breaking out of the cycle on Sunday.  It threatened to return this morning as I got ready for work (the place it all started!), but I have thus far made it through with just mild twitchy-ness.

Back in my Fundamentalist days I didn’t believe in the whole “imbalanced Brain Chemistry” thing.  But I am seriously having to change my opinion.  And in my case, I truly believe that its genetic, on my maternal side.  I have 5 members of my family that suffer from mild to severe anxiety.  (My Mom, Aunt, Sister, Brother & Nephew).  This includes my 10 year old nephew who recently tried to hang himself, but was found unconcious by his brothers.  He has been hospitalized, and they have diagnosed him with severe anxiety.