Treasures of Darkness

go swimming in the deep end

find out where your faith begins

you’re waiting for an answer that’s acceptable

but the current sweeps you out to sea

and its keeps you guessing helplessly

you’re praying for a savior who’s exceptional

someone who’ll lift you from your knees

salve your wounds, hand you the keys

and offer you the kingdom of your dreams

but, nothings ever as it seems

you find yourself, further down stream

alone, save for the echo of your screams

ahhhh, honey, fairytales are prone to tease

“However many takes it takes” ~ Vandaveer

Once upon a time, I thought the world was evil, corrupt, dirty and filled with pain.  And then I thought I found something different, something pure and good and true.

But after all this time, I have to admit that my understanding leaves a lot to be desired.  I used to be amazed, when someone who claimed to be a follower of Jesus, did something wrong, or treated someone badly, or acted selfish and prideful.  And I was likewise amazed when a so-called “worldly” unbeliever acted in a loving or kind manner.

I think I really believed it when I was taught that the “church” is different.  All that talk about being the “salt of the earth” or being a “light” to the world.

And yet for all that, it has continually been those who claim to be follower’s of Jesus that have acted the most cruel to me and to my family.  And there are many who have shown me so much love, that make no claims to christianity at all.

I have noticed particularly of late that this lack of love in Christians, is not limited to my former denomination, but seems to hang on to those who likewise left it behind.

I try so hard to hold on to a small speck of faith, to believe that Jesus is real, and good, and he cares and loves unconditionally.  But how can I when those “closest” to him, act in opposition?

Even those who once claimed to care, have now either cut off communication, or at best treat me with complete apathy.  I guess it’s really no wonder, I can’t believe that God cares either.

It’s been over a month since I have written anything. 

But what is there to write?

It’s like its become too hard to form the words.  Which makes sense when I realized that its too hard to even think about things, let alone write them down.

I’ve lost the ability to objectively analyze my spiritual experiences.  Not only can I not trust any of the items used to indoctrinate me in the past; Church, Bible, “Christians”.  But I have recently realized that I can’t trust my own experiences either, for there were a lot of things that I would have sworn were told to me by God, that I now find absurd.  Was I some product of Mass Hypnosis?  Hysteria?  Self-fulfilling prophecy?

Now I am left with trying to reconcile and rationalize these discrepancies.  When reduced to the lowest common denominator, I seem to be left only with the suspicion that it is all bullshit.

I truly want to believe that there exists a God who loves, who cares, who interacts with his creation.  But I have nothing to to back up that hope, which lately seems less like faith and more like wishful thinking.