Treasures of Darkness

Several Months ago I reserved “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins from my local library.  I thought that I would find it an interesting read.  Being an oft requested item, I was forced to wait while three hundred and some others read it first.

This morning, I was finally able to pick it up.  I am not sure what my intentions were.  To strengthen my faith?  To get inside the mind of an atheist?  To view the world from a different angle?

I’m afraid that regardless of my intentions, my journey took me no further than the introduction.  Actually, no further than 2 or 3 pages of the introduction.  That was all it took to discover that the book was not simply an objective view on why the author and other like-minded atheists did not believe in God.  It was quite simply, an atheistic apologetic.

It appeared as if the author was taking an evangelistic approach to the subject.  The moment that I realized that, I closed the book and put it down.  At which point, almost immediately, the many me’s in my head started doing battle. 

 ”Oh, afraid your faith isn’t strong enough to handle a little criticism?” 

 ”Of course not.  But I recognize that I am in an extremely vulnerable place”

“Ahhhh…afraid you’ll read it and discover that God is nothing more than a construct of your own pathetic mind”

“That’s Stupid!  I don’t question that God exisits, I KNOW that He does!”

“But that doesn’t mean that you like Him, right?  That’s why you secretly want to convince yourself that He doesn’t exisit.  You would rather believe in nothing, then to believe in a God you don’t like”

“That’s crazy!  I’m sure I would like God, if I simply knew the REAL God.  Cut me some slack, I am trying really hard to work past the perceptions left by the distorted God I was taught about”

“Oh you poor baby.  Nothing is your fault!  The whole world is against you and done you wrong.  Excuses, excuses!”

 At which point, I simply turned my treadmill up a notch, and tried to shut my brain off.  The truth is, that regardless of any logical reasons I could come up for why I should or should not read the book; I chose not to read it simply because I felt I shouldn’t. 

It all came down to a feeling, an intuition, a vibe that said ‘you don’t need to read this now’.  Was it God?  Was it His Spirit inside me?  Or was it just my own fears and insecurities?

There was a time when I would have bet my life, my soul, my everthing on the fact that it was God.  And a part of me misses that easy faith.  The knowing that God speaks to us, and answers prayers and heals and performs miracles.  But now I am a sceptic.  Cynical.  Jaded.

And though a part of me misses what I’ve left behind, the other part feels safer this way.

Tichborne’s Elegy

My prime of youth is but a frost of cares,

My feast of joy is but a dish of pain,

My crop of corn is but a field of tares,

And all my good is but vain hope of gain;

The day is past, and yet I saw no sun,

And now I live, and now my life is done.

My tale was heard and yet it was not told,

My fruit is fallen, and yet my leaves are green,

My youth is spent and yet I am not old,

I saw the world and yet I was not seen;

My thread is cut and yet it is not spun,

And now I live, and now my life is done.

I sought my death and found it in my womb,

I looked for life and saw it was a shade,

I trod the earth and knew it was my tomb,

And now I die, and now I was but made;

My glass is full, and now my glass is run,

And now I live, and now my life is done.

Isaiah 45:3 (Amplified Bible)

3And I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, Who calls you by your name.