Treasures of Darkness

On monday, I had a really bad headache, that got progressively worse as the day went on.  At once point my boss saw me put pressure on my forehead and asked if he was “getting to me”.  I laughed and said “no, that would be life that’s getting to me.”

He came back with “well, you know what you need, don’t you?” 

I confess, I immediately knew where this was going.  I figure it’s my punishment, because for 4 years I considered it my sacred duty to make him into a good fundamentalist Christian.  But I decided to play dumb and responded “A sugar daddy?”

He kinda stuttered and said “well, no, I meant-” and then just stopped talking.  I looked at him and raised my eyebrows and said “yes?”, just daring him to say it.  Apparently he got a word of wisdom from on high, because he said “nevermind” and dropped it.

Which honestly, kind of disappointed me.  I was just waiting for him to tell me that I needed God in my life, so that I could give him a blistering response about how going to church does not equal having God, anymore than not going to church equals not having God.

The truth is, I am not so frustrated by the fact that he thinks that way, as I am frustrated with the knowledge that I used to think likewise.

Religious people suck!  Not exactly an original thought, is it?  Don’t worry.  It’s not like this is just occurring to me either.  But today, I had a some slow time at work, and there was no one around to chat with, so I gave into temptation and went lurking at one of my old forums.  Not the one I am fasting from, but the one I pretty much gave up cold turkey a month or so ago.

When I decided to leave, I avoided making a spectacle of it, as many others do by bringing attention to myself in what has come to be known as a “Goodbye Cruel World” thread.  I thought it would be easier for me, if I just sort of faded away into the twilight.  (This is a common M.O. for me, and is how I left my former church as well.)

So today, I thought I would do a little search and see if any had noticed or commented on my absence.  To make a long story short; they hadn’t.  It’s not like I was the #1 most popular poster, but I had known most of these people for 3 years.  Some of them I had met outside the forum, talked to on the phone, or through email/IM.

Perhaps I should point out that about 2 months prior to my disappearing, I had posted a thread stating that I was more or less turning my back on the only organization/denomination/faith system that I had ever known.  A faith system that formed the foundation of this forum.

Even before I left I noticed that people reacted to me differently, they let me know, whether through implication or stating it outright, that I was backslidden, deceived, on the slippery slope, hell-bound, carnal, worldly and worst of all, LIBERAL!

I had two reasons for leaving: the feeling that I could no longer freely and safely speak my mind, and the sudden realization that I no longer understood the fundamentalist mindset.  I laugh to think of their reaction if I was allowed to speak freely of where I am now.  I would most likely be the poster-child for the dangers of questioning your beliefs!  “Look,” they would say, “It started with her wondering if God really cared if women cut their hair or not, and now she’s unchurched, listening to worldly secular music, drinking and swearing, and questioning the very tenants of the Christian faith!!!”

So basically, when I rejected my role as a Stepford Fundie, I ceased to be their friend, and their “sister”, and have instead become a footnote in the dangers of questioning your pastor.

So why do I care?  I guess I don’t.  I just need new friends.

I somehow stumbled across this blog entry

 http://escapedmentalpatient.wordpress.com/2007/08/24/why-are-religious-people-so-stupid/

 I especially like how he blames religion for all the problems and hate and evil people in the universe.  My question for him would be, “How then sir, do you explain yourself?”

Last weekend I decided to clean out my bookcases.  About 90% of the Christian books that I owned were either written from the perspective of the conservative fundamentalist group that I previously belong to, or were otherwise books that I no longer had need for.

In the course of my search, I found some books that belonged to my former pastor’s wife.  As she does not have an email address (she shares the church email address with the Pastor), I went to her Everyone’s connected page, and put a quick note in her guestbook stating that I found some of her books that I would like to return to her, as well as some other denominational books that the Pastor might be interested in.

Today, I returned to her site, to see if she had made any comment in response, and spent a few minutes confused, as I could not find my comment anywhere.   Eventually I came to the conclusion that she must have removed the comment.

So I sit here wondering how she could possibly have been offended by a note offering to return her books.  I suppose it might be because I referred to her by her first name.  As I had left both the church and the denomination, I did not seem accurate to call her Sis. (last name), and I briefly considered, though quickly rejected Mrs. (Last Name) as a little too formal for someone who is actually younger than me, and herself holds no position.

Regardless of the reason, the whole irked me.  Enough that I decided to delete my EC page, as I had already stopped updating it.  The knowledge that I was connected to my former pastor, and many former church memebers, as well as young people, well, I honestly, did not want to cause a big scandal or give people something to talk about.

The only question left, is to decide what to do with the books.  My first reaction was to just trade them into the used bookstore as she has made no reply, but then I considered mailing them to her, since they are really not mine to sell.  Or perhaps I will trade them in, and then send her a check for the trade-in value with a note saying  “By deleting my message you implied that you did not care about the return of your books, however as I do not feel that I can ethically keep the profit on something that was rightfully yours, here is a check for the trade-in amount I received”