Treasures of Darkness

Religious people suck!  Not exactly an original thought, is it?  Don’t worry.  It’s not like this is just occurring to me either.  But today, I had a some slow time at work, and there was no one around to chat with, so I gave into temptation and went lurking at one of my old forums.  Not the one I am fasting from, but the one I pretty much gave up cold turkey a month or so ago.

When I decided to leave, I avoided making a spectacle of it, as many others do by bringing attention to myself in what has come to be known as a “Goodbye Cruel World” thread.  I thought it would be easier for me, if I just sort of faded away into the twilight.  (This is a common M.O. for me, and is how I left my former church as well.)

So today, I thought I would do a little search and see if any had noticed or commented on my absence.  To make a long story short; they hadn’t.  It’s not like I was the #1 most popular poster, but I had known most of these people for 3 years.  Some of them I had met outside the forum, talked to on the phone, or through email/IM.

Perhaps I should point out that about 2 months prior to my disappearing, I had posted a thread stating that I was more or less turning my back on the only organization/denomination/faith system that I had ever known.  A faith system that formed the foundation of this forum.

Even before I left I noticed that people reacted to me differently, they let me know, whether through implication or stating it outright, that I was backslidden, deceived, on the slippery slope, hell-bound, carnal, worldly and worst of all, LIBERAL!

I had two reasons for leaving: the feeling that I could no longer freely and safely speak my mind, and the sudden realization that I no longer understood the fundamentalist mindset.  I laugh to think of their reaction if I was allowed to speak freely of where I am now.  I would most likely be the poster-child for the dangers of questioning your beliefs!  “Look,” they would say, “It started with her wondering if God really cared if women cut their hair or not, and now she’s unchurched, listening to worldly secular music, drinking and swearing, and questioning the very tenants of the Christian faith!!!”

So basically, when I rejected my role as a Stepford Fundie, I ceased to be their friend, and their “sister”, and have instead become a footnote in the dangers of questioning your pastor.

So why do I care?  I guess I don’t.  I just need new friends.

Already I am halfway through the 30 days, and yet I feel I have little to show for it.  I have this vague idea that I am supposed to be having amazing revelations and spiritual epiphanies, but to be honest, the last week or so, I haven’t been very focused on spiritual matters at all.

I was sick over the long holiday weekend, and then things at work have been so crazy that I haven’t had much time to even catch my breath.  And now that I have a few minutes to spare, I find myself wondering if my lack of spiritual focus at the moment is acceptable.  My concept of “normal” spirituality is so warped that some might argue if I even have one at all.

I do think about God, but lately it hasn’t been focused thoughts, like I had in the past: “Is God happy with me?  Will I go to heaven? What sin do I have in my life? Will I ever get better?  Why can’t I be more spiritual like so-n-so? “  The list is really endless.

But lately I don’t find myself thinking of those things as much, there seems to be only one question: How does God fit into my life? (Or maybe it’s ‘How does my life fit into God?’).  Actually, I seem to worry more about the fact that I no longer worry about things.  I used to be totally consumed with finding and eradicating worldly and carnal things in my life, and now, to be honest, I don’t even know what that means.

And of course, I still have the occasional doubts that say, “what if you’re not getting better, what if you are just getting more and more deceived?”  And if I was so wrong then, what stops me from being so wrong again?  But then again, is it even about being wrong or right?  At this point, I usually need to remind myself that it’s ok to not have any answers.

I would have to say that my biggest struggle is in equating Jesus with that culture that I left behind.  But then I react to that, and go so far in the other direction that I think that He has no part in anything they say or do.  In some ways that is how I approach my life right now, as if it must become the antithesis of what it was before.  And so the pendulum swings.

Woke up this morning feeling kind of whimsical.  I know that I am supposed to be releasing all my angst and frustration, but today it seems to be hiding.

I’ve been thinking alot about my appearance lately.  Am I the only one who is ever shocked when they look in the mirror?  Somehow in my mind I am thin, young and pretty.

 And yet when I look in the mirror, I see this fat homely person who looks like a spinster librarian.

The fat part I have been working on (struggling with) for over a year.  I lost 80 pounds, and gained back 35.  The homely part, well I’ll just have to try and do the best with what God gave me.

 Which leaves me with the Spinster Librarian look.  It’s funny, because for 7 years, that look was equated with holiness in my mind.  Long shirts, and uber-modest shirts, long un-cut hair, and no makeup or jewelry.  I gloried in that look, I had a lot of pride in looking plain.

Now with the holiness factor removed, It just looks frumpy.  But change doesn’t come easy.  After 7 years, skirts are just comfortable, and though I occasionally wear capri’s, I tend to equate such attire with yardwork, or cleaning the house.  The biggest obstacle is the hair.  Though I have long since cut it numerous times, it is still long, at just a few inches above my waist.  I honestly would like to cut it much shorter, but my husband has repeatedly ask me not to.

And so, I end up wearing my hair up in 1 of 5 bun variations everyday, between that and my glasses, there seems little hope in escaping the spinster librarian persona.

But today, in the spirit of rebellion, I put my hair up in what I will call pigtail buns (think princess Leia, but higher up).  When I stopped for breakfast I got a couple of double takes, to which I grinned in return.

My “pastor”  suggested that I take a 30-day break from forums, and instead use this blog to release all my angst, frustration, and general rage.

I think the hardest thing for me, is the inevitable isolation that I will feel, after all, the internet, and more specifically forums is the form in which I do most of my socializing.  (Is that sad?  I think it must be).

 The other problem will be with using a blog for release.  Yes, I do enjoy writing, but I tend to write as a reaction more than anything.  I have all these thoughts and emotions swirling around inside of me, and then something happens, some sort of event, or catalyst, and I REACT.

Ironically, the definition of reactionary is one who is extremely opposed to progress or liberalism.  If anything I am the opposite, I seem to be opposed to anything that seems traditional, old school, or conservative.

I know that this is simply because of my experiences in fundamentalism, something that I only recently escaped.  My world has changed so drastically in such a brief time, that sometimes I don’t know how to deal with it.