Treasures of Darkness

Well, I took the plunge.

First I got my hair cut.

It’s short.

Way short.

In the kind of “Where the hell did my hair go?????” kind of way!

For the most part though, I like it. Though it drives me crazy that I can’t put it up, and so I am having to have to get used to hair in my face.

This past weekend, I hennaed it. That was an experience! With a little help from Mom, I slathered my head with this concoction that looked like mud mixed with baby poo, and smelled like farm hay. Then I covered wrapped my head with saran wrap, and got to enjoy that feeling for the next 4 hours.

I prepared myself for the potential bright orange hair. And though it is definately a coppery-auburn, the brightness is only evident in the sun. When the sun catches on my hair, it’s like sunset flame.

Do you ever feel like what you look like on the outside doesn’t at all reflect who you are inside?

I’m not just talking about the weight, and the fact that there is definately a thin person inside of me (a friend of mine jokes that she keeps hers sedated with chocolate, LOL)

But I mean, I have this outward, Spinster Librarian thing going on. I wonder how much of that is still me trying to break free of my past. I spent the last 8 years of my life as an extremely conservative fundamentalist Holy-Roller. And even though that chapter in my life is past, there are some vestiges of it that seem to linger.

It makes me want to do something drastic, Like a neon blue mohawk. I think I spent so many years trying to look a certain part, that I don’t know how to let my inside dictate my outside. Or maybe I don’t even know who I really am.

Well, after I spent 30 minutes on Monday morning curled up in a ball on my bed, sobbing because I didn’t think I could I could survive another day of continual anxiety attacks, I decided that I might want to give some serious thought about seeking medical help.

 Not being the “go to the doctor” type, I had to first find a doctor.  Not really having the mental capacity to accomplish much thought, I looked up approved doctor’s on my insurance website.  I called the first on the list, who was not accepting new patients.  So I called the 2nd, and made an appointment.  (After bursting into tears when the nurse/receptionist asked me what the appointment was for).

 I don’t think I can put into words how difficult this was for me.  I have always prided myself on my self-reliance.  On being the strong one, the one that could take what life threw at me, and still keep going.  It’s certainly not like me to seek help. (I get irritated when we are in the store, and my husband goes to find a sales associate, because I will eventually find what we need on my own).

 It turned out to be a stroke of luck that the first Doctor was unavailable, because I ended up really liking the Doctor that I saw.  (Enough that I agreed to make another appointment for a checkup, as my last was like 10 years ago).

 It was especially nice to have multiple people assure me that I was not going crazy, and that everyone needs help sometimes.

 I also really liked that she (the Dr.) laid out all my options, gave me her opinion, but ultimately let me choose the course I was most comfortable with.

Last friday morning while sitting at my desk I suddenly experienced rapid heart palpitations which freaked me out, to put it mildly.  This experienced launched the longest panic attack I have ever had, and the only time that one has occurred for no apparent reason.

I actually had to call my husband and ask him to come and sit with me at work because I was so overwhelmed with fear.  He came and stayed an hour, at which point, I realized that I was not going to have a stroke, heart attack, or pass out and could handle being by myself. 

The worst part was that because there was no apparent cause, it did not fade as soon as the apparent source of danger was removed as is the case with many of my anxiety related phobias.  It was like my brain kept telling my body that it was in danger, and because I felt the rush of adrenaline and all the physiological responses to fear, my body was telling my brain that I was in danger.

 This is a horrible cycle to get caught in.  It is beyond logic and rationale, and I found it very difficult to break free.  In fact, it took most of the weekend.  Because, as soon as I started to feel a little better, I would think “What if I have another one?” which produced fear, which would then actually CAUSE the anxious feelings to return.

I finally had to learn to say to myself, “so what”.  So you feel twitchy and anxious and afraid.  The feelings will pass, and they aren’t going to kill you.  And so, was able to start breaking out of the cycle on Sunday.  It threatened to return this morning as I got ready for work (the place it all started!), but I have thus far made it through with just mild twitchy-ness.

Back in my Fundamentalist days I didn’t believe in the whole “imbalanced Brain Chemistry” thing.  But I am seriously having to change my opinion.  And in my case, I truly believe that its genetic, on my maternal side.  I have 5 members of my family that suffer from mild to severe anxiety.  (My Mom, Aunt, Sister, Brother & Nephew).  This includes my 10 year old nephew who recently tried to hang himself, but was found unconcious by his brothers.  He has been hospitalized, and they have diagnosed him with severe anxiety.

Thanks to DT for keeping me amused.

 To start off, go to Wikipedia’s homepage and hit the “Random Article” link in the left-hand tool bar. The article title that emerges is your band’s name.

From there, head over to this Random Quotations page and scroll down to the bottom of said page. Use the last four words on the last quote on the page to determine the name of your band’s debut album

And, last but not least, mosey on over to Flickr and click the “Explore” link, located near the bottom of the page. The 3rd picture that pops up will be your album’s Cover

 I like to introduce you to my Band “Oakwood Cemetary”, an Austin, TX Goth band whose debut album “Cease to be so”,   ( I can never get pictures to work right, so’ll you have to click here!  ) is in stores now!

So, my husband needs to have a colonoscopy tomorrow, and so I spent last night going through his paperwork. 

You wanna turn anyone into a pessimist?  Have them read the consent forms for any basic medical procedure.  It’s not enough that you are stressed and anxious about what the test might find.  Nope, they need to throw in there that the test itself might cause paralysis, brain damage or death.

Gee, where can I sign up?

I came across this awesome quote last night. Angel to his son Connor, Season 4, Episode one, “Deep Down”:

“Nothing in the world is the way it oughta be. It’s harsh…and cruel…but that’s why there’s us…champions. It doesn’t matter where we come from, what we’ve done, or suffered. Or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be. You’re not a part of that yet. I hope you will be.”

The other day I was listening to some new music (thanks to my friend DT ), and my boss remarked that she really liked an artist that I was listening to ( Neko Case ), when it switched to a different song she commented “oh, I don’t like this one at all” ( Antony & the Johnson’s ). She then proceeded to tell me “I have a couple groups that I like, that I listened to when I was younger, and I pretty much stick to them.”

Later I started thinking about my Father. Growing up, I had a healthy appreciation for music of the 60’s and 70’s. I loved to put on one of my parents records and put on the headphones and lay on the floor and listen to them as I sang along. Simon and Garfunkel, the Mama’s & Papa’s, Eagles, Beatles, ABBA, Linda Rondstandt, Joe Cocker, the list goes on and on. But as I was thinking about it, I realized suddenly that I couldn’t think of one album my father bought POST 1980. Then I thought of other older people that I know, and realized that this is not exactly and uncommon occurrence.

Do people just wake up one day and decided that they have experienced all the music that they need to experience? Do they determine that as there is “nothing new under the sun” there is no reason to continue exploration as they have already heard it all?

I never want to become that stagnant! I want to be 80 years old and discovering new music and reading new literature, and admiring new art!

My husband’s temp work ended unexpectedly today.   I know I should have been prepared for it, but It caught me by surprise.  I knew it was temporary, but there was also a slight chance of it being temp to hire.

For a whole month I didn’t need to worry about how to pay the bills, or where the grocery money was going to come from.  Though the break was nice.  I just really don’t feel like a month reprieve was long enough.  I hate living like this!

I spent some time tonight pouring through some of my old writings, poetry and such. I was struck by a few things:

1. The majority of it sucked, big time.

2. A couple items were seriously prophetic

3. One or two were actually good.