Treasures of Darkness

I decided that I wanted to keep my weight blogging somewhat separate from my faith blogging.  The weight loss blog can be found here:

http://theliquidcell.com/thefatgirl/

I’ve been thinking a lot about food lately.  Well, that part is nothing new!  But I have been thinking a lot about how I relate to it, what it means to me and my life, and some things I really need to change.

Food has always been my drug of choice.  Though once upon a time it shared my heart with cigarettes.  I have heard it said that it is harder to quit smoking then it is to quit heroin.  I don’t know if that’s true or not, I do know that quitting smoking was difficult. (and I always did it cold turkey!)  But I would rather go through the pain and withdrawal, and nicotine fits 1000 times over than to have to struggle with food.

What so many people who don’t have food issues don’t realize is that in its own way it is so much harder to control than smoking, or drinking or drugs.  With those things it is simply giving up, forever, and each day that you go without it, it gets a little easier.  Not that I mean to minimize the struggle that many go through to get clean.  But how succesful would they be if they were told that they had to smoke 3 cigarettes a day, no more and no less.  Or they had to have one beer, or just shoot up once.  Isn’t that the whole thing about being an addict, that you can’t just have one?  That one tiny sip of alcohol is likely to push you over the edge into a 3 day binge?

And yet that is the type of control that is expected of those with food issues.  We need to eat a certain amount of food a day, no more and no less.  And this is what I have struggled with for as long as I can remember.  Dieting to me, is one of the hardest things possible.  I learned to make exercise a part of my lifestyle, but I still struggle with the food thing. I would much rather fast for a week then diet for a week, though a lot of people might not understand that.

Started off pretty well yesterday, but I was foiled by the midday munchies.  I think that I am going to concentrate on cutting out one thing at a time. 

First thing?  What I call my gateway drug, Diet Coke.  In itself it has no calories, but when I drink it, I tend to eat junk, and I tend to eat more in general.  Plus, I know it can’t be good for me, when everytime I try to give it up, I get horrible physical withdrawl in the form of headaches and general body aches.  (I gave up caffeine several years ago, so it is not from lack of caffeine, just from the chemicals.)  I am also going to start tracking my food again.

Then after a week or so, I will cut out junk food and fast food.  Third, I will try to eat more fruits and vegetables, and finally add strength training back into my exercise routine.

I have decided that when I take off half of the weight I put back on (20 pounds), I will reward myself with my long desired hair cut (and color!).

Last year I got tired of my unhealthy sedentary lifestyle and decided to change my ways.  I started eating healthy and sensibly, and started exercising daily.  What followed was that I lost 83 pounds in about 6 months, going from 280 pounds to 197.

But I found, that when you get off track, it’s very easy to revert to past patterns of behavior, and before you know it what starts as one little mistake has snowballed into packing on half of the weight that you lost.

The only good thing I can say in all this is that I have managed to keep exercising consistently.  An hour on my treadmill, every morning during the week (give or take a few minutes on the days I have to drag myself out of bed!).  The fact that I have managed to gain 40 pounds, while consistently exercising is both confusing and damn scary! 

This was all brought to a head yesterday when I was getting ready for work.  I have been making due for the past few months with wearing the same 3 outfits, as I absolutely refuse to buy bigger-sized clothes.  But yesterday, I realized that even those are getting too small.

What I really need to fight against, is the depression that comes with the failure of regaining so much weight.  As my usual reaction to that kind of failure is to turn to comfort food. 

I wish I could say that everything is going to change, and I am going to get back on track starting right now!  But I have said that almost everyday for the past 6 months, and it doesn‘t seem to be working.  So, do I have any answers?  Nope.  But since my “pastor” Nate is always encouraging me to write things down to work on some of my spiritual baggage, so I am hoping that just the very act of journaling my weight and food issues might accomplish something.