Apomo

I’ve been sick w/the flu all week. It really kicked my ass on Mon-Wed. Anyway, yesterday afternoon I started to feel nauseous and thought I was going to throw up. So I went to the bathroom and positioned myself over the bowl ready to hurl. The nausea went away but all the sudden I got this really strange feeling that I’ve NEVER had before. My whole body got weak, I got cold and clammy, my skin felt tingly, and I almost felt as if I was having and out of body exerience. I looked at myself in the mirror it was like looking at somebody in a dream. I literally felt the blood drain from my head and literally was almost as white as a sheet, even my lips. I got really scared after about thirty seconds when it didn’t go away and only seemed to intensify which is what really scared me because I was afraid of what the climax might mean. I figured I was having a heart attack or stroke because I’d read that many people have heart attacks/strokes and don’t even know it because they think it’s heartburn or indigestion. I didn’t even have enough presence of mind to call for my wife. I started praying “God, I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. Please don’t let me die.” I really thought I might be dying right here in my bathroom. At least i wasn’t like Elvis and taking a dump. I was so scared I couldn’t even cry. It was really weird. Then after a few more seconds it started to go away and I called my wife. I was lying on the couch when she came and and when she saw me she started freaking out because I was so pale. She said I looked dead. She ran to call the ambulance but I stopped her. Within an hour I felt back to normal and felt strong enough to got to school last night. But it was really, really weird. I think that maybe the flu meds I’m taking w/my heart meds didn’t agree w/each other and that maybe I didn’t have enough food in my stomach when I took them and it caused a sudden drop in my blood pressure. That’s what it felt like. But I’ve never had it happen so suddenly like that.

My wife is due to have our third kid in a month. But up to this point I’ve not really been all that into the whole idea of having another kid. Maybe it’s because of all the changes in my life lately and the getting back into school thing that has distracted me. Maybe it’s the daycare thing. I’ve even felt guilty about it, but truth is I haven’t been able to gin up the emotion for it and I’ve been almost in a small sense dreading it. But yesterday I was holding one of our little daycare babies and she gave me that “I love you” Puss-N-Boots look that only babies can give you and all the sudden I got excited about having another bambino of my own. Whew, I guess my soul isn’t seared after all. I’m still human! What a relief. haha. Anyway, it’s countdown time and I’m getting excited. Gotta admit though I’m not really looking forward to the actual delivery. I’m over that “excitement”, as is my wife I’m sure. I could never be a doctor, especially an OB/GYN. It’s just gross. For that matter, I couldn’t be a woman either. To think of pushing something that big oughta me just makes me want to push up my appointment with my therapist. Anyway, I hope this one looks better than the last one did when he came out. He looked like Mike Tyson has used him as a sparring partner. It took about three weeks before he looked like a baby and not a piece of meat. He was so ugly I wondered if he was my kid. No matter what though this is the last one for us. My wife has decreed that I am to be neutered. I wonder how much different that is than being emasculated? Ok, enough of this. Back to studying theology and trying to discern the difference between supralapsarianism and infralapsarianism. Your guess is as good as mine.

U2 3D
Whoo hoo! Wow, it was totally amazing! We had dinner at Chili’s w/some friends and drove up to Sac to the Imax Theater and saw the late, late showing. OMG! It was so good! It some ways I can imagine that it was as good if not better than being at an actual concert. Better probably because the sound is better and you’re so much closer to the action and you don’t have to smell sweaty bodies crushing you in the crowd. They filmed this concert in Argentina and there were probably 100,000 people there. The crowd was unbelievable. Bono was off the hook! The 3D thing is crazy, I’ve never seen that before on that scale. Most of the time Bono and the boys were so close you could actually count the whiskers on their face and it felt as if you were right there on stage w/them. The first time they did a close-up of Bono I actually reached out to try to touch him. It was almost creepy. Anyway, the setlist was a good mix of old and new stuff and they closed with Yahweh. Absolute sensory overload when they did “The Fly” and very emotional when they did “One”. Lots of 3D graphic stuff going on that was layered and totally cool. Anyway, I’m planning to go and see it again. Even if you’re not a huge U2 fan this would be hugely entertaining. If you’re a U2 fan, like me, it’s a must see.

(funny story: At Chili’s I saw an old friend from my former UPC church. Ultra-con chick with no brains, and her husband. Anyway, I got little perverse kick out of telling them we were going to see U2 and made a point to show her my U2 T-shirt I was wearing. She acted liked she’d never heard of U2. I mentioned that he was really instrumental in bringing attention to the AIDS crisis in Africa. Without missing a beat she immediately crinkled up her face and said “Do they have a homosexual problem over there? I heard they have a Bi problem too.” I almost burst out laughing. Her husband is a little more balanced and gave this look like, “Dude, just let it go. I know, she’s dumb as a rock.” He winked at me when I walked off. haha.

I’ve been wanting to go see a counselor for quite awhile. About five years ago I finally realized that I was a pretty screwed up guy due to a somewhat dysfunctional family, the pressure of being the district supt.’s kid, and spiritual abuse issues. I think I worked through alot of the more obvious and major stuff on my own in the last five years, especially as it relates to the spiritual abuse stuff. But I’m know there’s more stuff that I can’t see and having a pro help me out would be beneficial. Plus, I think it’s a good thing to do for all people wanting to be in ministry. I’m more into a holistic approach to preparing for ministry in that you should prepare yourself intellectually through some sort of formal theological training, spiritually through your own spiritual formation process, and emotionally through counseling. Well, that was part of my plan but who do you go to? You don’t want a quack and I wanted a counselor who was familiar with my Pentecostal background. Hard to to find that combo. Oh, and affordable too. I can’t afford $100 an hour. Well, as it turns out there is one of those around here. I carpool to school with a couple of Marriage and Family Therapy majors. As part of their training they have to go to a counselor themselves for something like 40 hours (why do wannabe counselors have to do that but wannabe pastors don’t?). One of the girls said she found one near where I live and said this lady was incredible. I asked for her number and called her yesterday. Turns out she and her husband counsel together, they’re both Pentecostal and actually used to attend the church I now attend. They’re affordable, $50 for 1.5 hour. It looks like the perfect fit for me. I’m going to schedule an appointment today and see what happens. 

I registered for my Spring term classes today. I signed up for 10 units which is alot. I may end up dropping one of the classes before the term starts. We’ll have to see what the homework load is when the syllabi come out.

The classes are:

Interpreting the New Testament - Epistles (by the same cool prof that is doing my Gospels course)

Religions of the World

Pastoral Counseling

Theology II - Sotereology

The two classes in the middle are intensive elective courses that each meet on two different weekends, not every week. The first and fourth are classes w/regular meeting times and would be the meat of the term. These particular electives are only offered every 2-3 years so I want to take them if I can. We’ll see if I can handle all load though.

$3800 bucks for these 10 units though. Man, that’s a lot of money.

I’m debating whether I ought to take a logic and philosophy class this summer at the local junior college or if I ought to just read three or four books about them. It’s useful information when reading these theo books because they refer to various philosophies and rely on rules of logic rather heavily. I’ve had no formal training in either of these two subjects. I need to brush up on my English grammar skills too in order to help me handle Greek and Hebrew which I’ll be taking beginning next year. I’m worried about those classes. I’ve not ever had an aptitude for foreign languages. I’m skerred.
I’m leaning toward reading a couple of books on philo and logic and then buying some sort of computer program tutoring thing to brush up on the grammar stuff. Then I can take a class or two from seminary in the summer to make up for this term where I only took 6 units. If I take four units in the summer then when next Fall term begins I’ll be right on track to graduate in three years total as I will have exactly 1/3 of my units required to graduate.

Oh yeah, we have a baby due in April. I almost forgot about that minor detail.

I can’t believe it’s two months since I’ve been on here. When I do blog it’s been on my MySpace page, although even that has been infrequent. Just haven’t had much to say I guess.

Really busy with school. It seems to occupy my days, night, and weekends. It’s a blast. But a big workload. So far I’ve gotten 5 A’s and one B+. The B+ was in Dan Kimballs class and it was because I lost a book that I was supposed to do a book report on and couldn’t turn the book report in on time. Otherwise I’d have straight A’s. It happens I guess. You just gotta roll w/it. Of course I found the book in one of the toy bins three weeks later. What can you do?

How about them Giants? Wow. That was a good game.

The church in Dixon voted on pastor last weekend. I haven’t heard if he got voted in or not. I spoke there the week before the vote and I could tell it was going to be a somewhat contentious process for them. My decision to back out was the impetus to push them toward a vote. I’m glad I could be of service to them in that regard.

I met w/the church board of my church about a month ago. It was just a meet-n-greet and I was able to share my passion for the emerging church. The pastor said it went well. We’ve tried to do lunch a couple of times since then but haven’t been able to hook up. He asked me to write down a few things and I gave him a 30 page paper on my ideas and philosophy. Maybe that’s what he wants to talk about. I don’t think that he’ll have an issue w/any of it because so much of what I wrote in there, at least philosophically, I’ve heard him say from the pulpit since then. He and I seem to have pretty similar visions.

I also spoke at the Sanx church. Rustin went on a cruise and asked me to fill in for him. I was pretty nervous because I wasn’t sure how people would receive me since I left so suddenly and w/out explanation. Turns out there were only ten people there and it went ok. It’s obvious though that nothing new has been added and it’s pretty much dead in the water. It saddened me.

Same w/a phone call I got this weekend from James, my former pastor. That prophet lady we were all excited about a year or so ago has turned out to be a problem. I figured that out about four months after she came to town but its taken them more than a year to accept that and admit it. In the meantime all this damage has been done and friendships injured.

On a more up note, Rustin and I and our wives are going to go to Sacramento and see the U23D thing at the Imax theatre there. That ought to be fun. Next best thing to a live concert I guess.

My brother moved to Houston. Ironically, he is actually driving Michael Strahan’s (star DE of the NY Giants) mothers car that Michael bought for her recently. A Mercede’s 500 series. Brand new. My parents are good friends of Mike’s parents and his Mom has bad knees and can’t drive the car so she offered it to my brother and his family to drive until they get their own wheels. They just moved there from Maui and couldn’t bring their car. Small world.

I’ve been following the Presidential campaigns fairly closely. I’m glad I re-registered as an Independent. Barna wrote an article about me. Well, not about me in particular, but it might as well have been since it applies to me in so many ways. http://www.barna.org/FlexPage.aspx?Page=BarnaUpdateNarrow&BarnaUpdateID=291 ( I don’t know why, but my link feature doesn’t work right. You’ll have to cut and paste the URL if you’re interested in reading the article.) I’m not sure if I’ll vote or not. I think it’s prob better to just support special interest groups like Darfur.com, Amnesty Intl, One and others and let them use your voice to push for the right issues. I don’t think any one candidate properly presents or cares about the issues that I care about the most.

I read “Knowledge of the Holy” by AW Tozer last week. The book impacted me. Very much so. We’re studying about God and his attributes in school and its struck a chord with me similar to how Willard’s book “Divine Conspiracy” did several years ago. Tozer’s book is only 120 pages so it’s a quick read. But he says alot in those 120 pages. He reminds me of Brennan Manning in some regards. Lofty and eloquent and deeply spiritual.

Well, that’s about it. Oh, I’ve lost 20 pounds since after Christmas. Nate inspired me. I hope to lose another 80 in the next few months. I’m just cutting back on burgers and fries and eating smaller portions. Not a big deal. I suppose at some point I”ll have get more aggressive w/it but this in the meantime I’ll do it the easy way.

I met w/the Dist Supt of the church I’m preaching at yesterday. I told him I didn’t think it was a good fit for me and he was supportive and kind about it. He suggested that perhaps my role in going there was to gain experience/confidence for me and for me to help them learn to ask the right questions during their process. I agreed because they don’t have really much idea as to what to ask or think about in regards to interviewing a pastor. I think they’re going by the seat of their pants and relying on intuition, “We’ll know when we know” type of thing. On Sunday I asked them several pointed questions about vision, purpose, target, style, pomo stuff…and it was obvious to us all that they 1) hadn’t thought of this stuff, and 2) they need to think about. They thanked me for asking the questions and said it was very helpful to them.

So, he and I decided that I’d go back and speak at least one more time and talk to them frankly by me saying “Here’s what I see in regards to where you are and what you want” and then compare/contrast that with what I feel God has calle me to do, the people he’s called me to reach, my ideas for doing so, my ministerial style, and my leadership style/philosophy and then give them my reasons why I don’t think it’s a good match. But in doing so maybe, he said, it would help them begin to think more strategically and more focused and help them make a more informed hunt and decision. From what he tells me about the other guy in the mix, it appears the other guy is probably a better fit for them and for that community.

It was a good meeting. He was very kind and he said that my perception of the situation was accurate and confirmed to him, and hopefully to me, the strength of my leadership gift. He said that I was accessing and analyzing and articulating the situation from a leader’s point of view and that he felt my skill in this area was notable. After that comment I offered to buy dessert.

Had a nice thanksgiving. We went up to Lake Tahoe as we normally do. We either go there or to Tacoma to be w/my SIL’s and BIL’s and all the cousins. Very cold in Tahoe, below freezing during the day, but no snow as we’d hoped. The skies were crystal clear though and you could see for miles. Spectacular views.

We ate dinner at the Forest Room Buffet on top of Harrah’s Casino Hotel. We’ve been going there for years. Excellent food. Unbelievable view of the lake and the mountains. Stunning.

Coincidentally, Mike Peterson, star linebacker for the Jacksonville Jaguars sat right next to us. Huge dude. That was kind of cool.

We drove around the lake on the way home. Very pretty scenery even though I’ve seen it a hundred times.

I preached yesterday at that church near Sacto that is looking at me to maybe be their pastor. I had planned to tell them I wasn’t interested but decided I needed to talk to my prof, their Dist Supt, first to give him a heads up and to ask his opinion on how I ought to tell them I’m not interested. He and I are supposed to meet for lunch tomorrow to discuss it. However, yesterday went very well. The place was full even on a holiday weekend. I expected the crowd to be thin. Had a nice lunch with the search committee and good conversation and dessert at one of the elders house.

They asked me several questions about things over lunch and after awhile I started asking them questions as well. I found out four things. 1) they’re wounded people due to the bad experience they had with their previous pastor. He didn’t care about people and basically considered his position not much more than a job, 2) they have no consensus as to what the church should be, do, or who they are called to reach, 3) there is a power struggle going on between the elders as one elder, who I suspect is the largest financial supporter of the church, has been pushing his views on the others, 4) the elders are getting worn out trying to do everything themselves and emotionally are starting to get touchy, thus I think they need someone to come in and lead them.

After all this kind of came out I strongly suggested to them that they consider getting a seasoned interim pastor to come in and help pull things back together and lead them into some sort of philosophical consensus before they try to pick a new pastor. How can they pick a pastor when they don’t even know who they are or what they want to accomplish as a church? Some would say that the new pastor’s job is provide this direction but I think it’d be alot of work and there’d be alot of struggle due to competing agendas and opposing expectations across the board.

No matter, they asked me to come back and preach again in two weeks. I might actually go this Sunday too. We’ll see what my prof says tomorrow.

After I got home my pastor called to see how everything went. That was cool. He said I was smart to wait to talk to my prof and thought that the questions I asked them were good ones. He said he wanted to get together in the next few days to discuss our future plans a little more.

Man,all of this is so weird. A year ago I was working at Allstate with every intention of taking over my bosses agency. This is a lot more interesting though, fo sho.

Yesterday was cool too because I preached a sermon that I put together 100% of my own material and w/in the last couple of weeks. With minimal rehearsal it went really well which speaks to my increased comfort level and confidence in preaching. I wasn’t at all nervous. Even cooler was that after speaking with them I feel I can now start ministering to them in a more targeted specific way and by the time I go home I knew what I would speak the next two weeks if I were the pastor and one of the talks was already outlined in my head. I prob could go preach it right now on a fifteen minute notice. For me, this is huge because my greatest fear of preaching week to week is not having anything good to say from week to week. But I guess I have enough gestalt knowledge and good enough spiritual antennae to do ok. This whole experience has been helpful to me in this regard.

I preached yesterday in a somewhat unorthodox way. I didn’t give any kind of indication of my topic at the beginning. I just showed some photos on the screen of my boys and our trip to Tahoe and talked about Thanksgving. Then I told three stories about my kids and how they’ve taught me things about God and in between stories brought in scriptures and related them to how they’ve taught me to approach God. The first story was about trust and submission, the second was about gratefulness, the third one about humility. They seemed rather random and unconnected and my style was very conversational as if I were talking off the top of my head. It sounded like three different, unrelated mini-sermons with no common thread. Then at the end I connected all the dots by talking about Matt 18 when Jesus said that we’re to change and become like children. I had my oldest son come up and sit on a stool and used him as an object lesson since all the stories I told were about him. I talked about the way of the world vs the way of Christ and how the way of the world demands that we be strong, self-sufficient, decisive, etc… yet the way of Christ is to be like a child - dependent, submissive, trusting, humble, etc… Afterwards several people said they thought they way I presented it and was helpful in that it was unexpected thus that much more effective. That was cool.I think subconciously though they were just happy that I kept it under 35 minutes instead of the almost 60 minutes last time.

I just realized it’s been two weeks since I’ve written on here. Just busy w/school work. One class is finished, I have two more to complete. We only have a couple more weeks left in this term and then I get three weeks off until the Winter term starts. I got a 100% on my OT final. Whoo hoo!

I’m planning to take “Theology 1 - Knowing the Truine God” and “Interpreting the NT 1 - Gospels”. That’s six units and should keep me plenty busy. I’ve already purchased most of the books. I’ll purchase the Logos Bible software, Gold edition, in January when I get my student loan money. That’s a really cool program.

Today is the last day of the week for daycare kids. Nice! I like ‘em and they’re fun and all. But I’ll enjoy the four days w/out them.

We’re taking the kids up to Lake Tahoe for Thanksgiving tomorrow. We have an 8 am Thanksgiving worship service at church and then we’re driving up to LT. We’re only staying one night but it’ll be fun to get out of town.

Sunday I’m preaching at that church where I preached a month or so ago. I had planned on telling them over lunch afterwards that I’m withdrawing my name from consideration for the pastorship. But I think I’m going to hold off on that until I can meet with my prof, their Dist. Supt., and get his input on the situation and how I ought to let them know. It’s best to keep him in on the loop I think.

We’re trying to think of names for the kiddo that’s coming. No luck so far. Just can’t seem to get into it yet. Too busy.

I had another weird dream. Maybe it was something meaningful, maybe it was just the really spicy chicken wings I had at Chilis last night.

I’m younger, trim, and dressed in a nice tux. I’m on the front row of a large audience getting ready to go on stage and perform something. Everyone behind me is dressed up in fine evening wear, as if this were an opera type event. The audience seems like a friendly crowd and I get the feeling it’s alot of people that like me and support me, like friends and family. I’m confident that I’ll do well but when I get up on stage I have some sort of wardrobe problem and have to go back to my seat for a second to fix it and then I get back on stage.

I’m joined on stage by another guy. He’s also young and while in the dream I know who he is I cannot say now after the dream that I know him by name. He was young, trim, tuxedoed, olive complexion with dark hair. Kinda reminded me of my BIL. They begin to play some opera type music and he and I go into some sort of routine where we’re lip-syncing the song. It sounded like Pavarotti and was very powerful. Nobody thought it was strange, as I do now, that we were lip-syncing. We had some choreographed moves to go along w/the some and everybody thought it was great. At the end I was more to the back of the stage than my friend who was up closer to the audience.Everybody clapped and my friend decided to do another song. But this time neither of us really knew the song and it didn’t go well. Nobody boos or anything but we kinda just quit the routine about a minute after we start.

Suddenly the scene changes a little. Instead of the audience being in a large hall and in the same space as us on stage they are outside a large store front window and gathered near their cars parked in the parking lot. They’re looking in the window at us. The stage is now inside the store front in an open space. I’m standing in the rear to stage right next to a large, black grand piano.

My friend is on the piano and just as he starts to play a song I notice a middle aged, attractive blonde lady in an evening dress arrive and she’s pointing at him and focused on him. I turn to him and say “Man, your Mom is intense about your success”. He shrugged it off and just said, “Yeah, no kidding.”

Then my attention is drawn to the front of the stage as a tall, black man in his forties is saying something. He is trim, passionate, and he’s holding a microphone. He’s wearing a white dress shirt, dark slacks, and no tie or jacket. He says something and starts singing “I’m a souljah, in the army of the Lawd! I’m a souljah, in the arrrrmmy!” He’s singing with passion and excitement and everybody on stage starts singing with him and I get the sense that the people outside come in and start singing. The song brings back memories of my Pentecostal upbringing in a predominantely black church and I get all excited, which I get the sense is a little out of my character. I started banging the top of the piano with my hand and ad libbing the song. I glance down and notice two things. My friend isn’t playing the piano and instead there’s a very small, stout black person playing and I can’t really tell if it’s a man or woman. I also notice two bottles of fingernail polish on the piano that are opened and my pounding is bouncing them around a little and I think it odd that fingernail polish was left out for the performance.

I notice that the black man is singing and people are singing the song with him. He starts making his way toward me, touching people as he comes. I sense that his purpose is to come to me. The closer he gets the more I get into the song and start crying and almost losing control of my emotions. I start speaking in tongues and crying and singing all at once. It was a palpable sense of the divine.

He finally gets to me and hugs me. I get the feeling that although I don’t recognize him he knows who I am and that he has compassion for me. He whispers in my ear “Would you rather pray for something once and get it or pray for something over and over for a long time?” Puzzled by the question I answer back, “Pray for it once.” He says, “Are you sure about that?”. Even more puzzled I answer, “Well, yeah. That way it’s over and done with and I can move on to other things.” I feel a little hesistant to answer, a little puzzled by his question, and unsure if I should give my honest opinion. But I did say what I was thinking even though I stumbled over the answer and kind of made it up on the fly. I feel him nod his head as it’s pressed up against mind and he says with understanding, “Ok, very well thing” and hugs me tighter and begins to pray for me. I can’t remember what he said, but I just knew he was praying for something for me that I’d been praying to God about. As the people are singing and he is praying I feel an overwheming sense of the Holy Spirit and begin speaking in tongues fluidly and strongly. Then I lose all strength in my limbs and go limp, but he holds me upright and doesn’t let me fall to the ground. I thought to myself, “Is this guy God?”. As I go further into the experience I suddenly wake up and it’s 6:15 am and time for me to get up. My heart is pounding and my mind is racing.

It was totally weird and exhilirating at the same time. I have no idea what it means, if anything. I just know it was powerful and i remember it as clear as a bell.

Ok, as if that’s not weird enough. Then I go downstairs and there’s an email from my Dad of a YouTube clip of a black Christian comedian named Ricky Smiley doing a routine about old timey church stuff. He even used the song “I’m a souljah….” in one of his jokes. Weird, man, weird.

Just for fun I put a couple of the Smiley clips on my MySpace profile. He’s pretty funny.